Our relationship is really, really phenomenal, great, and wonderful, but what does that look like?
On one level it means we have more and more freedom to express ourselves and this is especially critical in the game we have chosen to play together:
To be pursuing our own evolution and to use the relationship as the arena to heal old wounds and transform dysfunctional behaviors and thinking that cause us both suffering.
By living this way, the years have brought a deep level of love and trust, that gives us permission to say what would otherwise not be said for fear of offending the other person and losing their love and potentially the relationship.
What this takes is a commitment to total honestly, no secrets, no withholds, and the courage to say what needs to be said. It is uncomfortable, but we have related this way so much now, we trust it will work. The end result is freedom from the dominance of the mind with its old interpretations and dysfunctional patterns.
And this provides a Be Here Now experience of deep connection and ecstatic joy – the reward for the work done and any discomfort we went through.
Here is an example. We set up a time in the afternoon to have a date when we are both energetic and not tired. Then we sit and talk, sometimes for hours. We review the time since our last date and look for upsets that occurred that tended to make us feel separate, or put upon by the other, annoyed, invalidated, or in other ways upset.
Diane, who is the most courageous in this arena, usually starts by saying “I have something I don’t want to talk about.” I think, “Good she has found something for us to clear up” rather than “Oh no, she is going to criticize me and I am going to feel bad.”
What she says may sound like blame and criticism, but that is not how we hold it. We each know that we are responsible for the reality we are creating and living within, so underneath any harsh words is the understanding of “no blame” and “I love you, I am suffering over here, and I want to clear this up.”
Just the other day, Diane was trying to get me to stop making a call I was going to make. She thought it was too late at night. To me she was yelling at me and trying to control my actions, which I initially resisted. I didn’t make the call, but I was upset in having to do what she wanted me to do (similar to resisting my mother telling me what to do).
Of course she had her reasons, which I later agreed with as being better than my reasons, and which I gave up after talking about it. And more importantly, we both looked at the dynamics of what happened, apart from the actual content of the incident.
I felt put upon, not trusted to do what I wanted, annoyed with her, frustrated by the incident and she felt she had to yell at me to stop me from doing something she considered not in my best interest.
I had to look at how in my male dominant mind set, she did not feel that I honored or respected her point of view – an old pattern for her based on her upbringing in the male dominant society of the fifties and sixties.
By looking at all of this, it disappeared between us, we laughed about it and our level of intimacy that followed was once again an ecstatic, joyous, mindless experience – the reward for the work and a furthering of the trust and deep love we are creating together.
Keep doing the deep work. It is so worth it.
All the best,
Landon