If you try to solve an upset by changing the circumstances or trying to change the other person (“Don’t ever do that to me again”) then you are actually solving the problem at the wrong level – at the level of the external environment, rather than where the upset resides – inside yourself.

So when you are upset, the first move is to stop, breathe, and start to observe the nature of the upset.  “What am I feeling?  When was an earlier time when I had similar feelings?  Where does this upset originate?”  These are the types of questions that will unlock the upset and create a whole new level of connection and relaxed intimacy with your partner and freedom to be your Self.

I always find that my first reaction when I am upset in Diane’s and my relationship is, “Diane should change”.  And I don’t have to even be very upset, just a little annoyed, like when my blood sugar is low (and really I need to eat something) and something which normally wouldn’t bother me, now does.

A laughable recent example.  When I cook and do dishes, I mostly wash things right away after I use them or if I need a fork, I will wash the dirty fork I just used and then reuse it.  Diane just gets another fork out of the drawer and ends up with multiple forks to be washed, often by me when she does the cooking.

I resisted saying anything about it for a while as it was SOOOO petty!  But then I finally broached the subject and we talked about it.  We have plenty of forks and of course it turns out that it is more efficient to wash all the forks at once and it also saves water.  So I am now changing my ways and using a few more forks!

However, I was actually annoyed and if I had suppressed it, I would have started to lose the authentic transparency, which is the foundation of our relationship.  My annoyance stemmed from a misguided desire for efficiency and not wasting things as in “why don’t you use just one fork like me?”  At least that is how my adult mind justified being “legitimately” upset.

As Diane tends to be tidier than I am, I could not complain about orderliness or cleanliness.  I knew the upset linked to some programming of mine, some way it should be, and like a little child, I was internally throwing a mild tantrum because reality (what Diane did) didn’t fit my picture of how it should be.  So I started looking into where the programming originated.

Once again the upset had the “This isn’t it or this isn’t how it should be” element and of course I felt a “victim” of all those forks in the sink!  It went back to an early trauma where I felt out of control and helpless in the midst of life’s chaos and then later was punished for being messy. Later, I compensated by having everything in order and not wanting anyone to touch my stuff.  These memories and feelings all surfaced, as I looked deeper.

Seeing where the annoyance came from and recognizing my own fallacious thinking, I was able to easily let it go.  And now we joke that Diane’s major fault is that she uses too many forks!

I am happy to say that in our life, we mostly deal with these little encumbrances to being in present time. There are no lasting dramas, upsets or residual resentments because we keep talking until it is all unravelled. Yet, I find I must always be on guard for my ego/mind trying to hook me into “this isn’t it” and to prevent me from having a good time in life.  I am committed to ending that pattern.

Otherwise my life and our relationship are wonderful and better than I ever imagined it could be.  I think I am struggling with being able to hold or let in just how good it is – and that can be a topic for another blog.

All the very best in life.
Landon