Landon and Diane, down in the apple orchard right after their wedding ceremony, June 9th, 2012
“Girl, where was your pride,” she stated, challenging me across the outdoor lunch table, on our last day in New Zealand. Her eyes never left mine as she added, “if my husband ever spoke to me like that, I’d hit him and then I’d leave.”
The words came from a woman I’d just met, a friend of a friend who’d read our book and wanted to have lunch with us before we left New Zealand.
I admit I was a bit stunned at that moment and stared back, looking for the right response. I didn’t want to say to her, “that’s not the point,” or “you missed the point.” I knew that she had a point to make, one that many women had already voiced to me about our story. In fact, if all the women who wanted to punch Landon after reading the book could have, he’d be very bruised and bloodied.
But as we made our way to Air New Zealand to board our flight to Auckland and then to San Francisco, her words haunted me. Where was my pride? How should I have answered?
The truth is, my pride was right there, along side my ego, screaming bloody murder. “Get out, run!” was its repeated plea. But that was the point. I’d listened to my pride and my ego my whole life and where had they led me? Years alone, with no true love in sight. The scoreboard would have looked like this: Ego and Pride intact, True Love and partnership, 0.
And there is an important distinction here. Landon was an amazing man, not in my fantasy of who he was, but who he is. I knew that from spending six days in a powerful training with him in 1979, six days that changed my life and set me on a course of personal growth that I would never have been on without it.
Just before Landon and I met again in 2009, I’d also read his book, Living Awake, so I knew that he wanted to free himself from negative patterns and to find a true partner. Once we got involved later that year, I also knew that the quality of connection that we shared was real, alive and precious. And that’s why he’d get so afraid.
I want to be very clear that this is not about staying with an abusive partner or being a doormat. Every time Landon and I came to a difficult place and I stood up to him, he’d wake up, we’d gain ground and move forward.
We’re all afraid of being hurt. When Diana Krall sings the old favorite, ‘Let’s fall in love’, when she gets to the line ‘why be afraid of it…’ she adds, ‘I’ll tell you why…’. She voices the feelings of many, that being open and vulnerable can feel terrifying.
In the course of our relationship, Landon and I faced our fears about love together. Mine were around not being good enough. His were around making a wrong choice and then being trapped. But by hanging in there and talking through all of it, we proved once again that when you confront your fears and don’t run away from them, you become more free.
In 2009, when I was preparing for the ‘Big Love’ to come into my life, I wrote a list of all the qualities I wanted in a partner and he matched them all. Here are a few words from that list:
“He’s physically, spiritually and emotionally healthy. Together, we know that in real love, issues arise to be resolved and healed and we’re not afraid of that. We embrace and welcome the adventure that love is. We can talk about everything and contribute to each other. With him, I can begin to live the life I have wanted to live my whole life long—in love, in joy and relationship, full, alive and happy.”
The life that Landon and I now share validates not only what I wrote on my list but what I sensed that we could have together. I am so grateful that some kind of grace gave me the strength, this time, to not follow my pride and my ego, so that I could discover a whole new world of love, joy and true partnership.
Sending you good wishes on this lovely spring day, for more freedom, joy and love in your life.
Diane