September 18, 2013
From the 19-Day experiment to the ‘rest of our lives’ journey in relationship.
When I landed in New Zealand, February 15th, 2010, I had skipped Valentine’s Day when I flew over the international date line. That could have been an omen of what awaited me there, but I wasn’t imagining that. I was in the bliss of Landon’s statement that he had ‘surrendered to loving me’, in a fantasy bubble of what our time together would be on that far away and beautiful land.
The bubble burst with a very loud pop, beginning at the airport when he wouldn’t hug me because he had changed his mind upon seeing me get off the plane—ouch, that still hurts a wee bit–.
I came up with the ’19 day experiment’ to salvage my time there—I was stuck in the wilds of New Zealand, hours away from an airport. Besides, I still liked him, a lot, and knew I wanted a relationship with someone like him. He was looking for a relationship too, so if we could tell the truth, play 100%, with no commitment at the end—his caveat, what could happen? What could we learn from each other?
We could even end up together, though at times, that felt like a very remote possibility. If you read our book, you’ll learn how we journeyed from that rough start to a very happy ending, which in itself is another beginning. ‘Happily Ever After’ means there is a lot that comes ‘after’. We’re in that phase now—the ‘rest of our lives’ journey with each other.
The great part now is that we do have a commitment, we know we’re in this together, for better or for worse. Somehow that makes the ‘worse’ times ‘better’ because we know we will stand by each other, no matter what. For me that is a continuous revelation and balm. I was the one who, for thirty years of being single after my divorce at age thirty, would bail when things got uncomfortable. That I didn’t bail with Landon, when things got more uncomfortable than I could have imagined, was the first of many miracles that continue to unfold in my life.
We’re coming up on four years together, from that first encounter when he came up to talk about his book and slept out on my deck. Four intense, amazing years. The patterns that come up now are way more subtle and tricky. We both have to pay complete attention to try to catch them as they try to play out. The mind/ego is a great trickster, trying to create drama to stir things up. It sometimes feels like swatting at a pesky fly that buzzes in and out, trying to distract us from feeling joy.
My issues still stem from feeling invisible or hating it when Landon seems cold or mean. Direct lines back to my mother. All I can do is tell him how I’m feeling. The truth feels somewhere between my reality and his. When I hurt my leg on a bike ride in France and blood was trickling down, he could have been more warm and loving and less cold and what I considered ‘mean’. I could have been less sensitive—it’s as if I have antennae out for ‘meanness’ and get hooked by that. Both of our reactions are left-over from the past, making us more machines and less free spirits, which we want to be, so we’re willing to look and to talk, even when it is uncomfortable, which it always seems to be.
When things are going well, there’s the challenge of staying in the present with how good it is. To keep opening up to the harmony and love, enjoying that in our day-to-day life. Neither of us had strong role models for that kind of deep love. My parents had a downright hostile relationship and divorced. His parents weren’t hostile, but anger was not allowed, and they were not at all affectionate or demonstrative.
So what does it take to live together and love each other and feel that and show that? Where is the line between soupy and sloppy and needy and real affection and connection? We’re in that experiment now.
So the ‘better’ and the ‘worse’ both expose areas where we can learn and grow. We’re loving this journey and glad to share it with you, hoping it makes a difference. I feel that loving relationships are ‘the last frontier’ and that when we discover and conquer what’s in the way to maintaining them, we will have healed a huge chasm in the world that will help us to solve the other pressing problems.
Wishing you blessings on your lives,
Diane