Some old friends of mine visited recently and commented that they had often wondered if I would ever give up my ‘gypsy way of life’ and find a partner for the rest of my life. I happily report that I have. Not only do I have a wonderful, stunningly beautiful wife, but a lake near by for rowing, some great bike riding trails, and our farm with orchard, garden, chickens, and two cats in the yard, just like the Crosby, Stills and Nash song.

I am constantly reminding myself that I have everything I need and want and am so grateful for the life I am living. Now whenever I get upset, I know that it is only a temporary mind game, that I need to examine, share with Diane and let go of. My relationship with Diane; the depth of our love, the level of acceptance I feel, the transparency in our communication, and the pleasure of living with such an awake partner, provide a safe and nurturing foundation for whatever is coming up on the surface.

Recently, I noticed I was annoyed and blaming Diane in my mind for things not being how I thought they should be – some little things that I had not even communicated about so that she would know how I might want them.
In the middle of being annoyed and upset, I woke up to myself and asked, “Why am I blaming Diane for reality (the way it is) not fitting my expectations, my pictures?”

When I saw it, I saw how utterly ridiculous it is to first of all be attached to my expectations over the way it is – a sure way of making myself upset. In fact this is the very nature of an upset, my ego’s survival game, to take me away from “Being Here Now” by trying to convince me that “this isn’t it”. When in fact, of course, “this is it” and always has been it and if I want to be happy, I better get with the way it is!!

Then there was the pattern of blaming the only other person around, Diane, for things not working out my way. Diane said my energy was like I was throwing a tantrum. For me, since it is such an old and frequent pattern, I just felt annoyed and withdrew from being in connection with her. When we shared about this incident later that night, I agreed with her that it was a waste of time to be upset and withdraw, that I wasn’t having any fun and neither was she.

I then gave her permission to really call me on it next time and that even if I was resisting, to keep going and that I would thank her, for I am committed to ending this pattern. This is a real boon for me, to have someone who loves me and who will call me out (which feels to my ego like criticism of the way I am being at that moment and elicits hurt, anger and resistance) until I wake up and get off it and come back into the present.

Once again, this seems to have been an early childhood pattern in which I would throw a tantrum to get my way and withdraw from my mother to punish her for not paying attention to me. Such is the uselessness of my mind in these instances – contributing nothing to my happiness!

I am starting to see all the elements for re-contextualizing our relationship so that it is a vehicle for our spiritual growth and eventual liberation from these patterns and programming that make our lives miserable. I will review some of those principles in a later blog.

As we approach our first anniversary, I feel so grounded and centered in myself and thrilled to be able to create and share a future with Diane. Our relationship has only gotten better and better over the past year and for this and for my angel, Diane, I am grateful.

All the very best to each of you,
Landon